THE VOICE OF SHAME
I felt remorseful about it, not just because I hurt Sharon. But for reasons I didn’t come to understand until my early adult years. I was a very young child and I called my best friend by a silly nickname that was given to her by her brothers who were not much older. I knew that it was mean. I said it out of revenge to hurt her because she hurt me. When we’re children that’s usually what happens when someone says or does something that is hurtful to us. Our childishness is on full display. The truth is it happens to us as adults as well and more often than we care to admit.
“You should be ashamed” is what mother said to me about hurting Sharon’s feelings. I heard those words a few times as a child and teen. I didn’t know exactly what it meant then. But now I have come to understand it to mean that I crossed a personal boundary. A boundary that has been set from a spiritual or moral perspective by a much higher consciousness than my own, in fact The Highest Consciousness.
I am reminded of Jessica, a friend I worked with decades ago during my young adult years.
We bonded after discovering that we had a similar background. She grew up in a small east Texas town. I lived the major years of my childhood in a similar little town in east Texas also. We were both raised in a single parent household which was rather uncommon at that time. She was slightly older, married and had a child. A day came when she asked me to loan her some money and she gave details on when she would repay it and I agreed. About a month passed and she was a week over due to pay it back. I brought it to her attention at a time when I knew we would have some privacy. She was embarrassed about it and told me that she was unable to repay it at that time and didn’t really know when she could return the money. We each agreed that if I gave her an additional three weeks she could repay the loan. Because I was working to pay for college I insisted that she repay it before the time of class registration which began in three weeks and a few days.
Four weeks later we were having lunch together in the employee break room and it was crowded that day. I asked her again about repaying the loan. Our conversation was overheard by others who were sitting at the table next to us and she was very uncomfortable with that. She answered me by suggesting that she understood it to be a gift and that “you should not have given it to me if you couldn’t afford it.”
What I said to her in reply is the moment that I knew I had crossed my own personal boundary. I implied that “you are too poor to repay it and knew you couldn’t repay when you borrowed it!”
That was when I came to understand the phrase “you should be ashamed”. She didn’t deserve that. Because I knew some intimate details about her financial life and had used it against her. She stood up and walked out of the room without saying another word. I sat there with a myriad of emotions running through my mind. Anger and confusion were two of them but none gave me peace. I made no apology for wanting my money back, but I did apologize to her after a few weeks for what I said and for saying it in front of other people.
In the end the nasty words between us took a toll on our friendship. She was so embarrassed about owing the money that she went out of her way to avoid me. I knew she had intentions of giving it back when she borrowed it but it didn’t work out the way she hoped. It wasn’t money that cost us our friendship. I now know that what she and I both were experiencing is called “self condemnation.” That feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation. I know that feeling because I see that we both failed in being a good friend to each other.
My mothers wisdom makes sense now. Shame like other emotions is meant to assist us in “self-reflection and self-evaluation”. It lets us know when we have crossed that personal line with ourselves and gone out of bounds with others. Like a dart it hits the mark with precision and makes us aware of when that has occurred. It’s a fundamental key to developing the maturity we need to grow into consciously enlightened and self-controlled human beings. It’s necessary to help us oversee our thoughts and patterns of behavior. We know almost immediately when we have behaved in an inappropriate way. We may stutter or struggle to find the right words and we’re all familiar with looking away to avoid eye contact. We just know that what we said or did is out of character for us and does not represent who we really are. And the anger and unforgiveness we feel towards ourselves is tormenting.
Genuine shame will act as a teacher if we allow it, as The Highest Consciousness guides us on a spiritual level. Showing us that our lives are about connecting with our self respect and personal moral character. So that we can change what should be changed and heal what needs to be healed. To open our eyes to make things right with ourselves and others. Instead of allowing it to go days, weeks, months or even years. The voice of shame says this is the time to address it, and not allow it to turn into something unhealthy within ourselves or others we may have affected.